So I had my tonsils taken out a while back. I realize that people my age don't normally have their tonsils taken out. There is a reason for that...because it hurts like hell. For me however, there was little choice. My tonsil-related illnesses were getting worse as I got older. My last bout was a doozy, it hit me like a truck five days before Christmas of 2010. After three days in bed struggling to breathe (swollen tonsils were obstructing my breathing) and no relief from antibiotics, I almost dialed up St. Nick and cancelled Christmas. Finally my doctor prescribed a steroid. Not only did I feel better fast, I was like an elf on, well, steroids. I was up all night long wrapping packages with gusto, assembling toys and vowing to try and get my hands on some 'roids come next Christmas.
I promised myself that was going to be my last throat infection. My doctor recommended I see a specialist and get them removed. The throat doc agreed. I scheduled the surgery for the end of February 2011. There are some people out there that will tell you that this surgery is a piece of cake. It TOTALLY is...if you're five (**see my sidebar below). As is usually the case, those toddlers bounce back quick. Not so much for the older set.
The throat doc told me to expect two weeks of pain and two additional weeks of discomfort. She told me I would need to arrange for someone to take care of my children during the two-week painful period. I remember her telling me that and thinking, "I've had three kids, I'm a stay-at-home mom, I KNOW pain. How bad could this really be?" But I did as I was told and arranged to have my mom come for the first week post-surgery and my mother-in-law the second.
On the morning of the surgery, I was the only one over the age of six in the tonsillectomy pre-op waiting area. The child-life specialist working the room gave me the evil eye when I asked her why she passed me by while handing out Dora stickers. Really, lady? I deserved a hell of a lot more than a sticker for my bravery in that situation. Their post-op pain was going to be nothing compared to mine. I could have totally ruined that woman if I wanted to. I could have easily thrown together a massive panic attack and started to scream and cry about the impending pain. You don't think those kids would have started a Shawshank-style prison riot seeing a mother of three freak out like that? That child-life specialist got off easy, that's all I have to say.
I came out of the surgery and felt okay. The narcotics were lovely. I had a popsicle or two and went home. That's when the fun started. I had done my research ahead of time and learned that it was crucial to stay ahead of the pain. So Mark filled my percoset prescription and set alarms for the precise hour that I could take more. Once the heavy-duty stuff from the hospital wore off, it felt like someone had taken a weed-wacker to my mouth. Which makes sense, cuz that's what happened. I maintained that level of agonizing pain for nine days. Nine. Zero improvement from day to day. I ate nothing except popsicles and Slurpees. I laid in my bed and watched Paula Deen cooking shows and Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I basically shuffled around my house and did a lot of moaning because the pain was so intense.
On day nine, I became an emotional wreck. In an attempt to make myself feel better, I decided to try on clothes that had been sitting in the back of my closet since my law school days and hadn't fit since shortly after graduation. That was when I turned the corner. Laying in my bed, in a percoset-induced funk, wearing decade-old clothing, I started to feel better.
About the weight-loss... it can't be overstated. Aside from never having a throat infection again, this is the best outcome from the surgery. I lost almost 20 pounds and kept almost 15 of those off even after I started eating again. Talk about an amazing way to lose those last prego-pounds! No, I didn't do the surgery to lose weight, but sweet Jesus, that was one heck of a fantastic bonus. Who knows how many hours on the treadmill I would have spent trying to do the same. Naturally, I wouldn't have expected the same weight-loss if for example, I had knee surgery. But tonsils are different. Removing a part of your body that keeps you from being able to eat is quite possibly the least-used but most-effective diet out there. If the weight comes back, I may start thinking of other nonessential parts of my digestive system I can remove next.
Another upside to the surgery is that you get to schedule your pain and plan for it accordingly. For a control-freak like myself, this was ideal. And in some ways, it is like a vacation. Even though I was in pain, I did get to do an awful lot of lying around. I drank frozen drinks. There were plenty of people around to help take care of my children. All that was missing was the beach and sunscreen.
All in all, I absolutely recommend having the surgery if your tonsils stop working as they were intended and start wreaking havoc on your life the way mind did. Here are my takeaways:
1. Keep a scale nearby. Step on it whenever you're in major pain. It will perk you right up. That I can promise you.
2. Keep on a schedule for your pain meds. Don't sleep through a dose. You'll wake up crying and believing that a grenade exploded in your mouth. Trust me on this.
3. Even if you follow #2, whenever you wake up, your pain will be intense. Sometimes so bad that you can't even swallow your meds. If/when that happens, eat a popsicle first, then take your meds. It will numb your throat and stop your tears.
4. Stock your fridge with popsicles and eat them often. Forget the ice cream. Whenever a friend calls to see if you need anything, tell them yes. You need more popsicles.
5. Find the closest convenience store that sells slurpees. Find a flavor you like. Get a friend to deliver them daily.
**As a sidebar, six months after my surgery, my daughters (aged 5 and 6) had their tonsils removed. What can I say? Big tonsils run in the family. It was almost comical seeing the difference in their experience from my own. I was prepared for the worst, I had lived it. I filled their prescription for their pain medication expecting them to need it... they never even touched it. They felt totally fine. The only downside was that they had to stay out of school for a week for fear of infection. They could have gone back the next day. The big risk for kids, as in adults, is that the throat scabs can rupture causing massive hemorrhaging. That risk is higher when the person is active. Not applicable for me as I was catatonic for two weeks. But it was a big issue for the girls since they felt great and wanted to run and play. Keeping them sedentary was the biggest challenge. Thankfully, their scabs stayed intact. And since then, we have been tonsil-free and healthy!
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